While perusing the internet this week I came across a couple of stories regarding a study, published last month in the JECH, that has released findings that pop and rock stars, in accordance with popular opinion, do indeed die younger. Looking at a sample of North American and English artists from 1956 to 2005 some alarming patterns were uncovered. Particular findings, like stars are 3 times more likely to pass away within the first 5 years of fame than the general population, are sobering indications to the detrimental effects of ‘rockin’ out’ for a living.
In light of this, here is the definitive list of the 10 things a rock star must be sure to cram in to his, potentially short-lived, existence before ‘another one bites the dust’:
1)Raid the stage of a high profile awards ceremony, preferably during the climax performance, and pull a moony, sure to show those ‘square’ business men and record executives that the creative nature they’re hiring you for isn’t ill-found.
2)Carefully place a large object, ideally a car or a grand piano (though there are many other options), into a large vessel of water. A swimming pool would be the favourite here, but i would also recommend the pond of a large estate or a city river at the album launch party hosted by the label on an expensive yacht.
3)Punch a photographer. An easily attainable rock star maneuver, though you must ensure at all times not to consider the consequences of your acts.
4)Perk up a tour by wrecking your hotel room. Fire extinguishers and mini bars should be your focal point, alongside televisions and windows, so work from there. It is often good to try and combine this with point 2, since a swimming pool will be readily available.
5)Swear on day time television. While not difficult to achieve with a high enough profile, bonus kudos will be gained if it’s a Saturday morning show on national television.
6)Challenge, better still, demand, the lead singer or guitarist of a rival band to a bout of fisty-cuffs. He’ll obviously never be as hard or extreme as you, and it comes with the added benefit that the larger the audience you make this proposal to, the less likely it is that you will actually have to go through with the bout.
7)Apply a small amount of paraffin or lighter fluid to your guitar body and when you hit that orgasmic face melting solo spark a lighter. Be sure to position yourself at the front of the stage, get down on your knees and, with your eyes shut, passionately gurn, altering your face contortion with each pitch bend. Ideally have a roadie with a fire extinguisher to the side of the stage, though point 4 may have back-fired here.
8)A simple trick sure to guarantee a cult status is to remove the head, via an oral maneuver, of a small rodent or animal. Be aware that whichever animal you choose will affect the said cult status, and that vegetarians and animal rights activist should not be one of your key demographics.
9)Take heed in the fact that nearly all of life’s relationships will eventually dissolve and release a tasteless solo album, safe in the knowledge that your band is nothing without you. After all, you’ll earn way more money with a reunion tour if the rest of the band do get the hump, so the risk is a non-entity.
10)Finally, outlive the drummer. Easier said than done, this is a good guarantee that you weren’t the one to ‘go’ in this band, and it means you can go on to reap the [financial] rewards of the autobiography, the many compilation albums, the Sotheby’s auction of band memorabilia, and obviously that reunion tour.
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